What Is Trauma Bonding?

Relationships are complicated.

Relationships that involve abuse are often even harder to navigate.

From the outside, it can seem straightforward- if you are being violated or hurt in any manner, you should leave. But in reality, abusive relationships typically have periods of happiness – periods where you are being treated well, or your needs are being met. These intermittent periods of happiness can lead to trauma bonding.  

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding is a term that refers to the attachment between a victim of abuse and its perpetrator, typically in a relationship context. Such an emotional bond can affect how the victim views the abuser and can make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship.

Trauma bonds usually form because of alternating periods of abuse and love. Typically, after an incident of abuse, the abuser might apologise profusely, shower their victim with gifts, or make promises of change. Such intermittent positive events can be confusing, and can lead you to believe that the worst has passed. During these periods, you might feel love, forgiveness, or affection for your abuser. 

Signs and symptoms of trauma bonding

Some signs of a trauma bond can include - 

• Making excuses to explain your abuser’s behaviour

• Lying to your loved ones to cover up your abuser's behaviour

• Reminding yourself of all the good times in your relationship

• Thinking that the abuse is your fault

• An imbalance in the power dynamic such that it feels like your abuser is controlling you

• Distress at the idea of leaving the abusive relationship

Why are trauma bonds formed?

Trauma bonding can occur in any abusive relationship, regardless of how long the abuse lasts for. Such bonds are often a natural response to the stress of being in an abusive relationship. There are two major factors which can explain the development of such bonds

1. The fight-flight-freeze-fawn response

When your body feels threatened, it might choose to respond in one of four ways - fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In terms of an abusive relationship, you might feel trapped or helpless and your freeze response might kick in. At such a time, it can be easier (and less painful) to focus on the positives and to stay in the relationship.

2. Your Hormones

Hormones also play a crucial role in the creation of trauma bonds. The shower of affection after an incident of abuse can feel almost like a reward, which triggers the release of dopamine - a feel-good chemical. This hormone can strengthen your emotional connection with the abuser and make you want to continue to gain their love. Oxytocin - another positive chemical – is also released following physical intimacy. It can help ease fear and promote a sense of connection. The release of such hormones, biologically, makes it easier to think of the good times and continue to stay in an abusive relationship. 

Trauma bonds can make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship. It can also significantly impact your self-esteem. Research suggests that trauma bonding can impact one’s self-worth up to six months after separating from an abuser. Additionally, such bonds can lead to mental health concerns such as anxiety or depression. 

How to Detach From Trauma Bond

However, you can learn to break trauma bonds. If you recognise or relate to any of these signs, remember that there is hope. Here are some ways to help yourself prepare to detach from the relationship - 

1. Practise self-compassion

Navigating abusive relationships is difficult. It’s important to remind yourself that abuse is never the victim’s fault. You are not asking for it or doing anything to deserve this treatment. Try to be kind to yourself and to practise small forms of self-care to help yourself through this period.

2. Keep a journal

A key feature of trauma bonds is alternating periods of abuse and positive interactions. Maintaining a journal of what happens on a daily basis can help you identify patterns and themes in your relationship, and can offer an objective view of what is happening.

3. Plan for safety

Breaking a trauma bond can also include preparing yourself to eventually distance yourself from the relationship. Planning for this can include reaching out to trusted loved ones, finding a safe place to stay, or exploring avenues for financial security. Remember, you don’t need to figure it out on your own - there are loved ones, professionals, and helplines to help you through this process.

4. Talk to a mental health professional

Abuse can impact you in more ways than one. A qualified mental health professional can help you process the complex emotions that you might be experiencing. They will also equip you with the tools you need to understand what has happened and adjust to life outside your relationship. There is a good deal of evidence-based forms of therapy to work through traumatic experiences – EMDR and trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy (TF-CBT) are some options to look out for.  

Abusive relationships can be difficult to leave. The creation of trauma bonds or an emotional attachment to your abuser can further complicate things. The important thing to remember is that abuse is not your fault. Moreover, there is help available. With the right support and some self-compassion, you can learn to break such bonds and live a happy, fulfilling life.