5 Therapist-Recommended Tools to Improve Your Relationship

One of the most common romantic tropes is that of an old couple holding hands who’ve been together for most of their lives. There is a very good reason for this trope - a relationship is a significant amount of work to maintain, and for someone to maintain a relationship for decades is truly a testament to their love and commitment to one another.  

Here are 5 great therapist-recommended tools to improve your relationship, along with examples. 

Express yourself instead of criticising

Many people have the misconception that when we criticise someone, we are saying things for their own good.  While wanting the best for your partner is a valid form of expression of love, constantly criticising them can become emotionally abusive

Expressing yourself can be a much healthier way to deal with relationship problems. If there is a change that needs to happen, you can express how the current state of the situation is making you feel and what needs to change, instead of name-calling being passive-aggressive, or blaming your partner.

For example, if you feel that your partner is not contributing equally to the household chores, you can start by starting a conversation about how you are feeling and what you both can do about it as a team. The idea is to look at the relationship as a safe space for both of you to be able to express yourselves without judgement or fear.

Read about 5 communication styles you might want to avoid in a relationship

Acknowledge your partner's feelings

Validating what your partner is feeling is a very important part of communication. It makes them feel heard and acknowledges that their feelings matter too. Doing this can really help build intimacy in your relationship. 

While it may appear simple, it is not that straightforward. It would require you to empathise with your partner, that is, to put yourself in their shoes. Instead of simply parroting a phrase like “I understand”, try to understand what they are feeling and acknowledge that. 

For example, if your partner is really stressed about deadlines at work, try to really understand where they are coming from - what is the reason the deadlines are stressing them out, are the deadlines unrealistic, and so on. Listen to them attentively instead of saying something like, “The deadlines are not that bad.” 

Use “I feel …” statements

Sometimes we end up communicating in a way that implies the other person’s intention was to hurt us. Instead of taking the time to consider and express the reasons for our hurt feelings, we immediately focus on the behaviour or actions of the other person.

“I feel…” statements are a tool for the speaker to express their emotions without blaming the other person. Feeling statements concentrate on how the speaker feels, as opposed to the listener's actions or behaviours. When used correctly, they remove any kind of accusatory tone that could make the listener defensive. 

Here are some examples of “I feel…” statements contrasted with “You…” statements: 

“You…” statements

You never help me clean up!

You don’t care about me, at all. 

“I feel…” statements

I feel stressed and overwhelmed because the house is very dirty.

When you do not reply to my messages, I feel disconnected from you.

Enjoy some space every once in a while

Spending time away from your partner might sound counterintuitive, but in reality, it works well. Every relationship requires some space from time to time. Enjoying some alone time without your partner can help you retain your individuality, process your emotions better, and thereby help you communicate better. 

Maintaining space can be a little challenging, but it can be done. You can start by ensuring that you have a support system beyond your partner. Putting the complete burden of emotional and physical support on one person can be exhausting. Spend some time away doing self-care, and prioritising your own needs over anyone else’s. 

Appreciate your partner the way they want to be appreciated. 

There is such a thing as, “Love Languages” which are essentially the different ways in which people express their affection. Typically, there are five love languages, which are physical affection (hugs, hand-holding, cuddling, etc.), words of affirmation (saying affirming things like “I care about you”, I miss you, etc.), gift-giving, acts of service (doing something for the partner), and quality time (spending time with your partner). 

Learning how your partner expresses and receives affection can be a game-changer for many couples. Sometimes, people might feel dissatisfied and unloved because their partner does not show affection in the love language they prefer. 

For example, if your partner’s love language is acts of service, you can spend some time cleaning their room so that they can relax after a long day of work. Or, if your partner's love language is physical touch, you can give them extra hugs to show them that you can for them. 

Relationships can be a source of great joy and happiness when both partners nurture them. We hope that these tools will help you and your partner feel more connected and secure in your relationship. In case you do need expert help to deal with any struggles with your partner, or if you just want to communicate better, connect with a couples therapist today.