Finding Unhappiness

Happiness is critical for your success in various spheres of life and for good mental and physical health. Every day, you may do things in order to make yourself happy. But do your efforts always pay off? Or do you find yourself doing things that lead you to feel unhappy?

Complaining

“The trains are delayed again. This day is just the worst!”

When you are unhappy about something, you might find yourself complaining about it. However, such behaviour can be quite unhelpful, as research suggests that complaining about a situation can make you feel helpless - and when you feel like you don’t have control, you end up feeling unhappier.

Tip: When the going gets tough, take a moment to pause, and breathe. Instead of cribbing or complaining about the situation, try channelling your attention to deal with the difficulty or address the problem.

“Maybe I can look for other modes of transport. If nothing else is available, I’ll just inform my boss and pass my time by reading a book or playing a game on my phone.”

Having Unrealistic Demands

“My evaluation was not too positive. This is unfair - I deserve better than this!”

Believing that what you’ve gotten is “not enough” can put you at risk of being unhappy, because no matter what you have, you are likely to feel disappointed. It’s likely that you will feel that you are being treated unfairly, which can make you agitated, angry, and irritable. 

Tip: Realise and accept that you don’t have control over everything that happens to you. Try making the best of any situation by thinking about it differently. 

“My evaluation was not too positive. While I expected better results, it’s possible my supervisors had valid reasons. Maybe I can ask for detailed feedback. I will work harder and perform better next time.”

Comparing

“I just bought a second-hand phone with my own money, but my friend bought themselves a brand new iPhone. Everyone has it easier than me.”

“I just got a raise, but my colleague got a promotion. This is so unfair!”

Your happiness depends on how you evaluate yourself and your life in comparison to that of others. You might probably find yourself comparing your accomplishments with those of others. If you think you’re doing better than them, you will feel happy. On the other hand, thinking that others are better off than you can set the stage for unhappiness.

Tip: Happiness is a subjective experience - what it means for you might be very different from what it means for someone else. While it may be natural to compare yourself with others, realise that it is not always healthy. Instead, try looking at yourself - and your accomplishments - in isolation. Avoid using the term ‘but’ when you speak or think of the good things in your life; use the term ‘and’ instead.

“I got a raise, and my colleague got a promotion. I’m happy for myself, as I have been working quite hard!”

“I just bought a second-hand phone with my own money, and my friend bought themselves a brand new iPhone. I’m really proud of myself for getting myself something nice with my own salary.”

Holding Grudges

“My partner said some pretty mean things to me during a fight. They’re saying sorry now, but I’ll always resent them. How dare they!”

When you forgive someone, you help not only the other person, but also yourself. Holding a grudge can take a lot of your energy and attention, such that you may no longer have the resources to engage in more helpful and positive behaviours. Instead, forgiving and letting go of someone’s mistakes can be quite empowering, as it helps clear your mind for more productive thoughts and feelings. 

Tip: Forgive. Realise that forgiveness is not a matter of pride or ego. It is something you do for yourself - and so, while it might be hard and painstaking, in the long run, it will actually help you feel happier and calmer.

“When one is angry, they often tend to say harsh things that they might not mean. I forgive my partner - after all, they are truly sorry - but I will let them know that they hurt me and that I hope they refrain from doing it in the future.”

Experiences vs Possessions

“I think I’ll spend my money on a brand new watch and some clothes. My trip can wait.”

“The new laptop I got just over 6 months ago has started to act up! I regret this so much!”

When you spend your money on buying ‘things’, you might feel happy - but studies show that this happiness is short-lived and can wear off easily. On the other hand, investing in new experiences can make you happier. This is because experiences are quite subjective in nature, and it’s hard to compare them with those of others. This means that you evaluate your experiences independently, feeling happier and regretting such spending lesser. Even waiting for an experience can make you happy.

Tip: Wondering if you should go for the trip you’ve been planning for a few months? Or if you should spend some money on a concert ticket? Don’t hesitate to invest in these experiences - you are less likely to regret them later. This experience could be something as simple as dining out or watching a much-awaited movie in the theatre.

“I think I should finally go for the trip I’ve been planning for months now. I feel excited already!”

All this being said, it’s important to realise that avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness. Yet, in order to be happy, you have to first take steps to address the behaviours you might engage in that actually make you unhappy. When you are not unhappy, you can start working on doing things to make yourself happy.