Assertiveness Techniques for Those Who Find It Hard to Say “No”

Start saying ‘November’ and stop after the first syllable. 

Sounds easy doesn’t it?

In reality, saying ‘no’ can be one of the hardest things to do. People of all ages across a variety of situations struggle to set boundaries, refuse requests or stand up for themselves. One study estimates that approximately 79% of people believe that they have missed out on opportunities at work because they were not assertive enough.

There are many reasons why speaking up can be difficult. You might fear disappointing others, coming off as rude, or looking too ‘pushy’. However, being assertive has its benefits. It can help you manage stress, reduce anger, improve self esteem, and improve the overall quality of your relationships. 

If you want to practise being more assertive but have been having trouble starting, here are five actionable strategies to try today.

1. Brainstorm alternatives

Standing up for yourself isn’t limited to just saying ‘no’. The English language is vast and you can take full advantage of that. Spend some time brainstorming variations of ‘no’ that might feel easier or more natural to you. Some examples to get you started can include:

‘I would love to, but I have other commitments’
‘I’m really glad you thought of me, but this time won’t be possible' 
‘I don’t have any space at the moment, let me get back to you’

2. Check your assumptions

Often what stops people from being assertive is the assumption of how others will perceive them. 

Will they think I’m rude? 
Maybe they won’t give me more opportunities if I say no right now? 

If these sound familiar, it could be helpful to pause and reflect on these thoughts. Think about how you respond when someone says no to you? Do your feelings align with how you think others might perceive you? If not, it might be time to extend the kindness you show everyone else to yourself too. 

3. Know your worth

Remember ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. Your time, energy, needs and wants are important and deserve to be honoured. Although it can feel easier to put yourself on the back burner, it can be the start of a slippery slope to burnout. Reminding yourself of your worth can be a great way to help yourself be more assertive. If you find it difficult, try maintaining a compliment journal or practise power poses.

4. Choose your words and actions

The line between being assertive and aggressive can be difficult to navigate. Intentionally choosing the words you use can help reduce guilt as well as any potential friction with the people around you. Try framing your responses using ‘I statements’ (I feel quite exhausted at the moment). Such sentences get your feelings across without sounding accusatory. Additionally, adopting confident body language such as standing up straight and making eye contact can also make it easier to communicate what you want.

5. Practise practise practise

Just like learning a new language, being assertive is a skill that improves with consistent practice (you’re literally learning a new way of communicating!). Start by saying alternatives of no to yourself - practising with a mirror can be helpful. Once saying the words feel doable, ask to practise with a loved one. Role plays can help you get comfortable with asserting yourself and can help you try different variations to see what works best for you.

Assertiveness can be difficult. But with some practise you too can learn to speak up for yourself like a pro. Speaking to a mental health professional can also help you identify and challenge your assumptions about assertiveness. A therapist can also help you learn skills to better navigate social situations.