Anger in Relationships: Do’s and Don’ts

You might have often experienced anger in your relationships with others. While anger is commonly believed to be a negative emotion, it is in fact, normal and healthy. Feeling angry or upset is a sign that something is going wrong and needs to be addressed or changed. If dealt with appropriately, anger can help you to resolve conflicts and even strengthen your relationship.

If you find yourself getting angry with your friend, partner, colleague, or any other individual, take a moment to think about what’s happening before you act on such feelings. Keep in mind the following list of dos and don’ts when it comes to dealing with anger in relationships.

Do’s

1. Talk about what’s on your mind

“There’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

Raising an issue with the other person in a calm and cool manner can help both of you resolve conflicts appropriately. On the other hand, keeping quiet about something that is bothering you might only add to your frustration, in turn increasing the likelihood of future conflicts and negative emotions.

2. Use ‘I’ statements

“I feel that I am not important to you when you cancel our plans.”

When talking to another person, use "I" statements to put your point across. They focus on your experience of a situation instead of attacking the other person. This way, you explain that you perceive the situation to be problematic, and indicate that you are open to changing the way you look at events. This is likely to lead to healthy conflict resolution.

3. Pause and think about your motives

“Why am I this way? What exactly is making me angry?”

Take a moment before you act on your anger. Ask yourself if what you say or what you do will help the situation or make it worse. Try and understand why you are feeling angry, and whether you will be able to express what you are feeling in a healthy and constructive way.

4. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

“What is going on in the other person’s mind? Why are they behaving in a particular way?”

Different people think about a situation differently, so it's important to be calm and attempt to understand where the other person is coming from. An understanding of their perspective might help you realise why they behaved in a particular way. This can lessen your anger and help you resolve conflicts in a healthier way.

Don’ts

1. Ignore your anger

Denying or ignoring feelings of anger can be dangerous. When anger is suppressed, it may affect your mood and overall behaviour. Additionally, such anger can erupt randomly, leading you to have an outburst. Acknowledging that you are feeling angry is the first step to resolving the issue.

2. Play the blame game

In the heat of the moment, your anger might push you to blame the other person. This might not be a good idea, as blaming puts the other person in a defensive position and makes them feel attacked. This can, in turn, negatively impact your relationship with them. Instead of blaming, give them a chance to explain themselves.

3. React instead of Responding

When you are angry, it is easy to act impulsively and react without thinking things through. When you react, you might end up hurting the other person or saying/doing something that you later regret. It’s always the wiser choice to take a moment to cool down before you say or do something while you’re angry.

4. Expect change to happen overnight

Learning effective anger management skills requires unlearning behaviours that you have learned over the years. Working on expressing your anger in an appropriate manner can take a while. It's important to be patient and work towards your goals consistently. If you are unable to manage your anger on your own, you can reach out to a professional. A therapist will be able to help you develop strategies and build skills for effectively dealing with your anger.

Conclusion

Anger may not be avoidable - especially in your interpersonal relationships where you interact with people who may often differ from you in many ways. Yet, it can be handled and dealt with, in a healthy manner. Keeping this list of dos and don’ts in mind can help you address anger in a way that does not negatively affect your relationships.